We didn’t see the numbers drop at first, a linear decline. Just chalked the changing symptoms up to full moons and rising tides. I’ll remember this winter as the one my shoulder blades ground to powder on the floor, The one I spent alone waist deep in midnight walks and coffee shops with fractured teeth.
A monster with a hammer in my hand, nail marks, eyes opened up so wide. Shaky fists and empty thoughts, covers up to drown florescent lights. The inhaled moments I held close, grew cold and I gave in, let them go. I burned them for heat. Sitting on the gutter’s step, ash and embers, watching smolder what I can’t replace.
So we sat in your room, my face was covered up. That same picture 200 round-trip miles away, at my desk is still up. No, that doesn’t make me better babe, just more afraid of change and less willing to accept all the damage that I did.
And I could blame my loss of sanity, claim it was medically induced and even though that’s true, I’ll pay, I’ve broken this - excuses are no use. ‘Cause I didn’t catch the pieces shatter, too far, a state away. Right now we hardly talk, there’s not much I dare to say. Except these Midwest winters are still so goddamn long and full of decay.
And wanting your acceptance is a terrible habit, it makes me feel reckless and frankly too much like a whore. I’ve been throwing so much of my life in your mailbox and at your front door. So I tuck my shirt into my jeans, baptize myself with vinegar and bleach. Cynical and circular, I’ve starting counting my steps again. And flashbacks scratched me raw until I bled.
Do you care? Do you dare? Can I ask to talk this out?
released February 7, 2014
Electric guitar - Charlie McKeown
All other tracks - Elizabeth Krunnfusz
all rights reserved